All White Sunglasses
Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty), My So-Called Life’s resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words Jordan Catalano. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon. You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it’s Jordan Catalano and that you’ve never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.
The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same- sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it’s the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.
“Do you remember the episode where Rayanne had the drug overdose?”
“Sort of. Do you remember that choker necklace she wore?
What were we thinking?”
“I’ve actually had a drug prob—”
“And the scrunchies? Are you kidding me?”
So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.
As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.
Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide. Continue Reading »
If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin’.
Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it’s a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.
Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.
If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby. Continue Reading »
One of the easiest ways to create something that white people will like is to create something that will allow them to feel smart but doesn’t require a large amount of work, time, or effort. There is, however, a catch. Whatever it is that you create cannot be a shortcut. You see white people like the idea of getting smarter quickly, but they don’t like the idea of people thinking that they are lazy. It is a bit of a paradox, but it does explain why white people only like Cliff Notes if they are part of some sort of hilarious college story about last-minute studying for an exam. And why they consider it highly unacceptable to use cliff notes or Wikipedia to get a rough understanding of a book you don’t want to read.
Unfortunately being able to create something that makes you feel smarter without having to do a lot of work has been very difficult. So only a few ideas have ever gained traction with white people, the most notable of which being documentary films and public radio. However, in the past decade a new item has been added to this very short list-TED Talks.
The TED Conference is an invite-only affair that brings together the smartest minds from around the world to share their knowledge and wisdom with the attendees. Additionally all of the talks are made available online and as podcasts so that white people are able to watch or listen to them at work or during their commute.
These talks are like college lectures, except that they are free to listen, shorter, and white people aren’t hung over and pretending to listen.
Due to the broad audience watching the talks, TED speakers generally take very complex ideas and boil them down into a simple engaging presentation. So when a white person finds out that you have a PhD and visits and attempts to engage you in a conversation about String Theory, you should know that all of their understanding comes from a twenty-minute talk they listened to while running on a treadmill. You should also be aware that the average white person considers their knowledge on the subject to be on par or superior to yours.
Sadly, TED Talks are not all roses and NPR approved comedians. For many white people, TED Conferences are actually a source of sadness and depression. This comes from their dreams to attend a future TED Conference in person. But with a price tag of $6000 and an invite-only policy, many white people are simply unable to attend. This is a new concept for white people as they have successfully been creating and joining expensive exclusive clubs for over one thousand years. Popular examples include: private schools, politics, and ice hockey.
Note: It is not advised to try to use sarcasm when trying to console a white person about their lack of an invitation to the TED conference.
“It must hard for you not being able to get into an expensive, invitation only club. As a non-white person, lets just say I have some experience in that field.”
“You didn’t get into MENSA either huh?”
Every four years the planet comes together to celebrate the World Cup and since white people make up a portion the world, they are not immune to the excitement.
However, before you start planning out long watching sessions with white people you should be aware of exactly why white people get so excited about the World Cup. Though you may be waiting on bated breath for your favorite sport on a global scale, white people like the World Cup because it allows them to pretend they are European for a few weeks, and more importantly, it allows them to get drunk at odd hours.gold rope chain gold rate today gold rush cast gold star gold spot price gold stock gold standard gold star chili gold star family gold standard whey protein gold shoes gold teeth gold toe socks gold tree collar gold tip arrows gold texture gold tree skirt gold teeth near me gold top gold ucsb gold usa gold utensils gold uses gold under eye patches gold uniform shirts gold usd gold urn necklace gold value gold vermeil gold value today gold vase gold value per ounce gold value per gram gold vans gold vinyl gold watch gold wedding bands gold watches for men gold wallpaper gold wedding rings gold watch women gold wall decor gold wrapping paper gold xbox gold xbox one controller gold xmas tree gold x teal gold xbox 360 controller gold x auto sales gold x ring gold xlr gold yellow gold yarn gold ysl heels gold youtube play button gold ysl bag gold yachtmaster gold yahoo finance gold yacht gold zippo gold zeo ranger gold zebra loach gold zekrom gold zacian v gold zamazenta gold zelda nes gold zodiac necklace gold about to explode gold about information gold about to crash gold about 2019 gold about sentence gold about history gold about rate gold after hours gold after 5 dress gold after etf gold after five shoes gold after 50 gold after america tour gold after five dresses gold after hours price gold against the soul gold against inflation gold against us dollar gold against inflation chart gold against loan gold against dollar gold against cash gold against the soul vinyl gold among us gold among us character gold among us pop it gold among the dross gold among the sand gold among us wallpaper gold among the dross meaning gold among us logo gold around america tour gold around pupil gold around the world gold around tooth gold around me gold around teeth gold around the american flag gold around iris gold as an investment gold as inflation hedge gold as a gas gold as a hedge against inflation gold as a conductor gold as an element gold as currency gold as an investment 2021 gold at the bottom of the ocean gold at the bottom of lake michigan gold at the bottom of the pyramid gold at the bottom of niagara falls goldfish at bottom of tank gold at bottom of world trade center gold at bottom of waterfall gold at bottom of american flag gold at the top of the pyramids gold brick top of moving stairs top golf what happened to the gold at the top of the pyramids what happened to the gold on top of the great pyramid gold at the end of the rainbow gold at room temperature gold at fort knox gold at spot gold at the end of the rainbow meaning gold at walmart gold at world trade center gold at higher levels 5e gold before and after etf gold before it is refined gold before processing gold before purification gold before election gold before you wake up gold before mining before gold coast what was the name of ghana gold behind the couch table gold behind currency gold behind waterfall rdr2 gold behind boulders gold behind glass gold behind the names behind gold icon behind gold's rally gold beneath world trade center gold beneath the waves gold beneath dark waters gold beneath the waves pdf gold beneath the waves book gold beneath the southern skies gold chain beneath your shirt gold key beneath the planet of the apes gold bedside table gold bedside lamp gold bedside lamp with usb port gold bedside clock gold bedside sconces gold bedside wall lamps gold bedside table set of 2 gold bedside tables with drawers gold between teeth gold between gap teeth gold between tiles between gold and diamond which is more expensive between gold and platinum which one is expensive between gold and silver which one is expensive between gold and diamond which is more valuable transfer gold between servers wow gold beyond las vegas gold beyond measure gold beyond the sun necklace gold & beyond gold & beyond montgomery alabama gold beyond marlboro gold & beyond on norman bridge road gold & beyond pawn shop gold but a is silent gold but bold gold but old gold but not old gold but no glitter gold buy gold gold but not glitter meaning gold but k is silent gold by the gram